This is according to the Medical Transcriptionists who collected these bloopers.
From a chain letter. Enjoy.

"Patient has been married for 30 years,
living at home with husband, and in the
past has had dogs, cats, and children
as pets."

"She had difficulty completing simple
calculations. For example, when I
asked her what 3 times 3 plus 1 equals,
she said 'ten'".

"The patient states that diarrhea tends
to run in his family."

"Her breasts look beautiful. I will
follow her for one month."

"She is ambulatory with her father at
discharge, who happily sucks a
popsicle."

"Assessment: Right 4th toe contusion,
possible fracture.
Plan: Buddy tape the right 4th toe to the left 3rd toe."

"The patient's gait is normal. I am
able to stand on her toes."

"The patient comes in because she
wants to get pregnant."

"The patient was cleaned copiously and
steri-stripped. She was then dressed
and discharged."

"This 50-year-old teacher is
undergoing polysomnogram because of
daytime sleepiness and difficulty
staying asleep while teaching."

"Her fourth toe cramps and she has to
take off her shoe and at times rub her
foot until it goes away."

"The patient has had episodes where she
has had chest discomfort and has had to
pull over to the side of the highway
for five years."

"The patient occasionally gets a rash
on her neck, which she has had for some
time."

"She sometimes has difficulty
initiating her legs to start a walk."

"The other foot has the missing toes."

"Lasix 20 mg p.o. q.d. if patient's
weight exceeds 5 pounds."

"First name Victor, spelled V as in
Victor...."

"Preoperative diagnosis: Unexplained
abdominal pain in the knee."

"She is sexually active with one
muscle."

"The patient had pain when she saw me
for several months in November."

"Bowel movements have remained stable
with a good appetite."

"He denies falling asleep while driving
during meals."

"Pelvic and Pap smear were done in my
office in her vaginal area."

"Also, on his right hand he has a left
thumb dislocation."

"A dip in the urine in the ER
showed....."

"I discussed the physiology of Viagra
with the patient at length."

"The infant's head was palpated and the
infant was found to be well down into
the pelvis, and the assistant was asked
to push her head up through the vagina
underneath the sterile drape."

"That's Catherine with a 'C', spelled
k-a-t-h-e-r-i-n-e."

"BREASTS: Regular rhythm."

"Lumbar range of motion is excellent.
She can touch her toes to the ground."

"Her decrease in vision in this eye is
interfering with her ability to see."

"On arrival to the emergency room she
was noted to be lethargic and was noted
to have uh, um, to have, um... uh... to
have uh... short-term memory loss."

"She lost her cool this week and
apparently blew up her husband and
daughter."

"She states she's been wondering
whether or not the Prozac is helping
her depression. I'm going to try
cutting her in half and see if that
makes any difference."

"The pain is exacerbated by prolonged
activities at Work which include
trimming hedges, taking short steps
behind a lawn mower, lifting and
bending, and having sex."

"She is able to raise her shoulders
above her head without difficulty."

"Genitourinary exam: Normal penis. No
acute pathology. No hernia. Full
range of motion."

"The patient's peritoneum was allowed
to escape completely."

"The scope was withdrawn the length of
the esophagus, which was normal. The
patient was then terminated."

"She is depressed and her obesity
weighs heavily on her."

"The patient was a 52-year-old smoking
lady."

"Blood pressure is 150/90 in the right
arm as I take it lying down."

"Blood pressure as I take it is 120/90
sitting on the right arm."

"Skin shows modest actinic changes over
his scalp and forehead, as well as over
some of his ears."

"The patient is able to eat now and
he's having bowel movements."

"The patient tells me he has continued
to improve every day. He's still a bit
weak when he tries to lift things above
his head, but he can easily stick his
finger in his ear and carry firewood."

"I repeated his urinalysis, which in
our hands, was normal."


"Bilateral upper extremities are within
functional limits in all major muscle
groups with the exception of the
amputated left thumb, which of course
is missing."

"Please go back to that last
transcription and please do not
transcribe it."

"She is careful when talking about her
husband and her gag reflex is normal."

"I will try to do a urine on her as an
outpatient."

"Skin is, uh, skin is, oh, well, uh,
just take the skin off."

"The patient needs to have a mole
checked. His wife has been looking at
it for a year."

"Her mother looked at her ears today
and brings them in today to be
checked."

"The patient has poison oak again.
She's trying all kinds of things to
avoid it. She even strips and puts her
clothes straight into the dishwasher."

"This is a well-developed gentleman who
is obviously pregnant."

"Exam reveals a gentleman in no
apparent distress except when having
his left lower extremity examined or
removed."

"I had the patient undress from the
knees down."

"He comes in for severe emotional
distress. His wife of five years has
just dissolved."

"Calf, ankle, and thigh circumference
are all identical in both legs."

"Recheck nose in 10-12 days. Call
immediately if it seems to return."

"This is a well-developed elderly
female. She is oriented to the year,
and unsure of where she is. She is
unsure of the president, but mentions
Hulk Hogan as a possibility."

"External genitalia revealed normal
testicles and normal penis
bilaterally."

"The patient will be set up for the
vein clinic in four to six weeks. She
wants to get pregnant this summer, so I
want to get her in and get her taken
care of as soon as possible."

"She uses condoms for birth control
pills."

"He has a lesion on his left leg. He
has one other lesion like this behind
his right ear, which is much smaller
than his leg."

"I gave her seven suppositories, one
for each rectum."

".... end of dictation. Oh wait, I
forgot her breasts. Please put her
breasts up by her abdomen."

"The patient is not terribly willing to
discuss his constipation in front of
his mother, but after she leaves he
softens up a bit and talks."

"There is vertigo when I toss his head
to the side."

"He made a contract with me not to
commit suicide until I see him day
after tomorrow."

"I've stressed the importance of taking
a pill should she forget her pill as
soon as she remembers it."

"The patient had a similar episode in
the past when she was exposed to cats
with severe wheezing."

"As part of his annual examination, I
did three stools on the patient."

".....where was I? I can't remember
where I was..... oh yeah, I was in the
rectum."

"I've authorized two more trips to the
chiropractor to help finish him off."